In this episode, I sit down and talk with Cassie Everts about walking with your spouse through the journey of miscarriage and infertility. Cassie has a beautiful story to share with us about her journey! You won’t want to miss this episode.
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Ann Losinski 0:01
Hey everybody and welcome back to the Catholic brides podcast today I’m joined by Cassie Everett’s to talk a little bit about her story. She has a blog called everyday and, and she talks a lot about her story of how her. Her children and talks a lot about miscarriage and adoption and all of that fun stuff. So welcome to the show Kathy.
Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.
Ann Losinski 0:31
Yes, thanks for being here. Why don’t we just start with you telling us just a little bit about who you are, and a little bit about your story.
Now, good well I’m a wife and a mother to 10 children. My husband and I have five babies so we lost a miscarriage. And then we also were blessed with five beautiful rambunctious children here on earth that for the first eight years of our marriage we struggled with infertility, and miscarriage, and, you know, we were just like any other other couple when you see him at the altar and you say I you, you have a dream of how your story’s gonna go. Guess how, yours is going to be settled when you buy a house, you have lots of children within a year or so. And so it was very much a shock to us when we discovered that that wasn’t how our scoring was underway and that wasn’t God’s plan for us. And we were married a year. And we had found out that I was expecting. Just prior to our one year anniversary, and we were coming up on Christmas. And we had traveled back to visit some of my family. And it was you know just a couple days before Christmas, and I started having some of the early signs of miscarriage. And I kind of brushed it off and as the evening grew into the night, the system continued and I found myself that morning, being rushed to the ER. And I prayed and I begged God in my child, my baby. Here we were you know, two days before Christmas. Miracles happen, and your infant Jesus to just create what for my oldest child to continue to be alive and when the doctor came in to confirm the ultrasound results I knew right away that the army had passed. And as I mentioned we were completely shocked because it was something that wasn’t really talked about I had heard my mother and mother in law mentioned about their own miscarriages and passing at something like a point in my life and when I was engaged with my husband, but nothing that I really thought what a snack or something that would happen to us, or be across it and we’ll be hearing. It was a very difficult time. Personally, and then also having just been married a year. In our marriage, to try and figure out the grieving process. It was the first time I’d ever seen my husband cry and sit here and my tears continues you know weeks later, and and his in, and it causes frustration in the eyes, why, why don’t I see him crying and mourning this loss of a child and why is he grieving the same way. And I didn’t understand at the time and now looking back I can. So when you’re so immersed in the loss and the grief and the sorrow. The I just I didn’t fully understand that he was grieving as well but the only way. I’ve heard his grief also one being the husband protector of not being to shield me from the sorry, and wanting, not knowing how to help me. But really, truly wanting us to have this joy in life in our marriage in my life. And so that was definitely a process of trying to communicate trying to navigate, where each other was at with the grief and where we go from here. And we have excited to see a doctor who specializes in pineapple technology and the fritz Creighton Fertility Care model. And we have been testing done and dossing different hormone levels wrong, and we continue to pursue that. And thought you know okay we have any other fix. And we miscarried again. About a year later. I then went and had a few surgeries with that become soldiers at the football section CTO, who is the founder of Netflix technology. And you know that then again we’re like okay this is going to be it. And I continue to have two more miscarriages after that. And so it was really just a time. Wondering where God’s wondering where he was. and wondering what his call was for us as a couple. For me as a wife. With this desire to be a mother you know our bodies are made for that and so what do I do with it, and trying to navigate that together and to be on the same road in the same path, if you will, but to be you know together in our decision making, okay yes we want to pursue this medical realm yes we’re going to go to the surgeon, and then just coming together and really praying and be open to God’s will for us and it was after my fourth miscarriage that we had this call from Dr soldiers who had said that, you know, Cassie I’m sorry, we’ve done everything there’s nothing more we can do for you. And I was just really in that moment that was truly a test of faith for me and truly brought me to my knees to. And I thought in this dream of being a mother, I felt like it was us stripped from you know history was in my belly when I was picking out names or getting a nursery ready. In that moment that all just been taken away. And it was a great moment of test of faith in myself and also for our marriage. And I’m so thankful for my husband strong faith. For those moments when I found it difficult to pray that he was there to lead us in that. And then also, through you know just prayer and really pursuing God’s will ask them to do that. Take everything you know medically they’ve done. I’m just being open to what was now, and God put it on our heart to adapt. And so God led us on a journey and it took several years to get there. After our miscarriages. We were led to the country of Ghana, in West Africa, and adapted to beautiful, boys. At the age of four and five. And what it Yes, they are to our family. And what a gift it is to have to go through that process and to be an adoptive mother is truly something that, you know, is an honor and it’s humbling well. And so as soon as we brought our son small in 2015. And as soon as my oldest could speak English, he started praying fervently for baby system. And I had just said, you know, buddy. Maybe we’ll adopt a little girl from bed and he didn’t know our story I didn’t share with him at that time. But he was just praying so hard to receive his little sister, and after having our son home for just four months. I found out I was pregnant. I was very reserved. I in trying to not get my hopes up, because of our camp and lonely for nine months later we gave birth to his little sister. A little girl. And then about 20 months after that, we gave birth to our son, and then two years after that gave birth to our daughter, and it was 15 months and so we went from your children, for eight years to five children in a four year span. So God kind of gave it gave them to us all at one time. But I think it’s also just a testament to God’s plan. And he has a real heart for life whether we realize it or not. And I guess you know, if I look at myself standing at the altar. 13 years ago, I would have never guessed that this was the way our story we go this. This is what God’s plan would be from. Right now, I feel so grateful that, that God is the one in His love and His mercy and His faithfulness, who who writes the story for him, that he uses the one that put the pieces together. And he knows. In his providential care what’s best for him. And what’s best for our hearts our marriage for personal salvation.
Ann Losinski 9:15
That’s beautiful. Like, thank you so that’s such a beautiful testament to God’s well because he knows what we need, when we need it and just the fact that you are still able to have children after that. It’s just a beautiful testament to how he cares for you, and takes care of your family.
Yeah, it was, you know, it was those moments. It was definitely a test of faith in those moments. And that you know a test in our marriage as well. And, you know, I’ve had so many times like that they’re like God Where are you, why aren’t you hearing my prayers and answering, you know, there’s this desire because, as, as wives you know as women we have this natural innate desire to be a mother, whether it’s a spiritual mother physical mothering or that God created us to care for another human being made up with us you know emptiness inside of us. That can only be filled with serving and caring for others. And so, wondering where how God we can meet that, especially you know after only having been married a few years and seeing seeing it taken away time and time again with God and goodness. And I think that’s just the message for anybody that is going through any kind of infertility or experiencing the loss of a child. It sounds so cliche but God truly has a plan. And you know in those moments of silence when it feels like he’s abandoned abandoned us. He hasn’t he’s right there with us. And I think those moments where he’s really shaping our hearts to prepare us for what’s next.
Ann Losinski 11:02
Yeah, that’s beautiful. Like, just knowing that your life is a journey and your marriage is a journey, and it’s not going to look like you said it’s not might not look like the story that you have pictured in your head on your wedding day. But it will be the perfect story for you and for your marriage. I think it’s super beautiful. One of the things you mentioned that I wanted to talk a little bit more about was how your husband’s grieving and your grieving are different, and this kind of wanted to dig a little bit more deeper into that and how that perspective, like, you kind of realized that and came to that realization and how that helped you, both grow as a couple, to realize that your grieving processes were different.
Yeah, and I think one of the things he was, you know you were. And I think for several couples. Do you know that when you get married and you’re not expecting to have to carry this cross. Being infertility or that you’ll have a miscarriage. You know you’re kind of in this honeymoon stage where you’re, you’re still trying to get used to living with each other. So then to add this cross on top of it. And this confusion and grief, I think there’s just a whole nother layer that can really be the test. For many marriages and I just want to give us that and then I’ll kind of go into the grieving thing but the numbers are very striking of those couples that you know may experience infertility or miscarriage. They say that those who are experiencing fertility their marriage is three times more likely to end in divorce. And don’t experience, suffering a loss or miscarriage are 22% more likely. So I think just being aware of those numbers. And that is a very real thing. And they need to claim coming together as a spouse. You know, for me, I was very. I guess that, you know, turn in on myself and my grief because I was the one carrying the child and so it took me a while before I can really come to my husband and say, you know, how are you because I was so overwhelmed my own czar very selfish and to not take the time to really see how he was doing and asked what he was doing because your pay was real. And it was a loss for him as well. And I think if, for the man it’s like I mentioned before. They want they’re the provider, you know, the father. They want to be able to take care of us and fix the problem and when they can’t I think that kind of a level of grief for them when they try and figure out okay how can I, how can I fix this, how can I help her through her grief and take this grief away How can I help her have this joy again, you know reality is, nobody really can take the grief away of God, who heals our hearts. It’s a process that as women and as fathers and husbands as well that we have to journey through. And there’s no shame in having to take that time, no matter the pregnancy, you know, you only care the child. And I don’t actually say only but if the child was with you for four weeks, or eight weeks or 12 or 20 weeks that you know it was your child that unique human being made in God’s image and so there’s nothing wrong with taking that time to allow yourself to go through the grieving process. I think one thing that can really help husband and wife were grieving is, first of all, to make sure that you praying together. And that can really help unify you even if you’re in different spots in the grieving process. But prayer, you know really selecting God is at the center of your relationship in your marriage and asking for him to pour out His grace on you and so pray. I think also taking the time away you know maybe it’s going away, spending more time together. Going on date night, instead of, I think, you know, we experience grief I’m sorry I know for myself, my tendency is to isolate, because I think that I can kind of numb myself to the pain, but your you know your two that have become one in felt really generous to the group together to spend time together. You know, like I said going on more date nights or maybe planning a vacation or when I think also as a wife there’s things that we can help you go start, stop help offer support, obviously praying for him about how he’s doing and allowing him to really just be honest with you know the pain that he’s feeling able to communicate with them every day just seeing how he is asking him how you know we’re wearing hard enough, performing him. You’re something, trying to do something fun or something you know that you enjoy that, you know, maybe to bring a little white people as well as hard as it may be, just while and while the know you may be overwhelmed with grief, but the smiles through your husband knows that, you know, she’s still there, that things are going to be okay.
And then also, to talk to friends and talk about the child that you want. And also for their husband feel comfortable that anytime that you can just talk about this child together. I think that helps both husband and wife. In the grieving process. And I, you know, one thing that I’ve been through bumper to belges is that no matter how many years passed by the child that we want to miscarriage or stillborn. Or any loss any other child boys remains with us, in order to remain the front of our house. I’ll never forget this past spring one, you know, with COVID reality math at home. And we were watching, watching a math project at a math on television and. And we’re streaming it, and it was on Mother’s Day and the pre scans of eautiful esteem and reflections at a homily. And I don’t remember the exact word but it was something about for those who want children and, you know, hear that how many years is our last miscarriage and my eyes just welled up with fear that I had, I had to leave the room, that didn’t want my other to continue crying. But before I did I kind of glanced at my husband here His eyes were so loose was pure skill. So just knowing that, even if you know it may not seem like your husband is affected by the loss or the struggle of infertility. To know that he was going through the same process of carrying it as well and he may just be internalizing it more. More than we do and that’s the line.
Ann Losinski 18:23
Yeah, for sure, especially because like you said, Men are the provider and the protector and they want to try they want to be strong and might not want to externalize those emotions as much because they know you’re hurting and they don’t want to portray that hurt onto you that they’re feeling as
Unknown Speaker 18:40
well. Yeah, very definitely can be a lot of it.
Ann Losinski 18:49
As far as you said, isolation, can be like something that people who are grieving tend to do. But is there, resources or things that people that you could talk to you or things that you found helpful in your journey. Outside like talking to your spouse is very good, but outside of the home life, talking to other people externally, about the process you are going through is there resources you found helpful for that.
I think at the time it was, it was very difficult for me to find a Catholic resort. And I guess also have an idea and realize that the church. The Church of beauty hasn’t beautiful prayer and blessing that can be said and I wish I knew that. So don’t be afraid I would say that for anybody who has experienced it or going through it to go to your priest and ask him to have a prayer set of blessing said, you know, you can have services said, or funeral. You know there’s there’s no reason why we need to withdraw or feel like almost like our child’s life wasn’t worthy enough because they didn’t live long enough, you know what I mean, it really is that theme, I think that’s, it’s our society in our society in the way that our society’s best life your lack of respect for the dignity of life. I think kind of put that on us No, you have to feel this guilt for having this grief over the life of a child, but the church had resources, and I would, you know, encourage couples to go to their pastor to their priests, the athletic player today was also trying to find community I know it’s really hard to when you’re going through something like this I know for my husband and I were going through this you know everyone around us, they’re having, they’re having their children now like they’re second third fourth kids and you know we are the Catholic couple in the Pew every Sunday, with no kid. When you’re, you know, you put this fear of heads into someone we let people are thinking about when we are renewing telomeres and the left hand. But there’s other couples out there, you know that are going through the same kind of struggles as you went along. Last one is more women. Miss edcc experiences of miscarriage. And they also had a one eight couples if you have trouble at some point getting pregnant and so our pews are really filled with women and couples who have gone through this kind of loss of caring and cross like me trying to find some kind of community doesn’t have to be a large group but maybe it’s the one other person or whether company you can confide in, and share your feelings with us knowing that what you’re experienced that you’re going through that you’re really not alone. One thing I also found that helpful for me when I was going through this was to journal. I mentioned about how there was moments where it was difficult for me to pray never lost my faith in God. But just difficult because I almost felt, you know, abandoned or forsaken that I felt like he wasn’t even in my prayers. And so it was difficult for me to sit down in the evening, even though we still did it. My husband was very faithful to it. Make sure we pray the rosary. Every evening, and it would be difficult for me at time to pray a Hail Mary, but I found, being able to journal was very helpful. Also I think just finding that time of prayer and silence, sitting, you know, before Christ is you grow in adoration, and allowing him to support His mercies in level where you feel those, those worn. Some of those hurts that you’re carrying.
Ann Losinski 22:43
Pretty sure I think that’s super beautiful especially what you mentioned about adoration about just going there and sitting in silence because even if you can’t pray, you still are getting Grace’s from just being there physically with them. I think that’s a super beautiful reminder to.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely know Christ, he knows our heart. He already knows what we’re going through. And they’ll give those allow me, just showing I guess making the effort to be showing up. And maybe, you know, more like. I have nothing I don’t even know where to begin. But just being an in Christ presence. And also I think there’s nothing wrong. You know we have a stigma with going you know maybe seeking professional help of a therapist or a counselor, but there’s nothing wrong at all of going to a counselor a therapist. And there’s a beautiful Christian and Catholic counselors and therapists out there that can really help you through it. Maybe it’s something you individually are seeking out or together as a couple. That can also have. They can also help you together as a couple, you know on your marriage journey to navigate the streets together.
Ann Losinski 24:00
For sure. So, kind of, for you being on the other side of it now like God has blessed you and your family, both during adoption and through natural children. But what would your message to young women who are still like in the midst of it be, like, what is your message to women that are still experiencing either infertility or miscarriage are still struggling in that area.
And people probably say it’s easy for me to say this because here I am, you know, my children now. You could say that. But I, but I really believe methods really don’t ever lose hope. You know I think when we go through these trials and sufferings in our life it’s so easy to feel like our hope is gone. You know, like I mentioned before, wondering where God is and then what his plan is for life, but never lose the hope in knowing that God is faithful and he’s loving a loving father, and he has a beautiful perfect plan for your life. And it might not be something that everyone’s story is gonna turn out like ours were all of a sudden in four years you’re gonna have five kids, but I’ve seen, I’ve seen other stories similar but. And it might not be something that we’ve recognized in the next few years or decades, or even on the side of the veil but just having hope and trusting that God is doing something. He’s always at work in our lives, even the silence you know there’s so many years I just felt like it was silence and just waiting, it’s like okay guys like I just feel like this time has always been wasted I’m just sitting here waiting and I feel like there’s silence from you and what’s happening but, you know, nothing’s ever wasted with god you know every day. He’s calling up and drawing us to himself and he has a plan for us in a will, you know his beautiful plan for us to follow him. And so knowing that and you know in those moments of silence and waiting in those years, maybe it’s month years or, or decades of wondering when, when will this happen. Knowing that God’s at work right now he’s doing something in your hearts and you’re carrying something beautiful. He’s doing something in your marriage and, you know, I can look back now. And, yes, we have my beautiful children but I can also see how God really worked on both my husband, and mine on our hearts to draw us closer to Him and to also draw us closer together as a couple. I think both my husband I would agree that it’s safe to say our marriage, have not been perfect by any means, like, we wouldn’t be where we are together as a couple, if we never went through what we did for those eight years. It really was a time where we had been drawn together, and our marriage was strengthened through that time, and thought. For those who might be experiencing infertility or have experienced a loss just know that God has not invaded you, and do not ever lose hope and he has something beautiful in store for you, something beautiful in store for you and something beautiful in store for your marriage. I just really hold on to that just cling on to that. And believe it because because it’s the truth, you know he is loving Providence and here he only has the best for us.
Ann Losinski 27:34
That’s beautiful and just being there, that reminder of just being present in the, in the moment. And guess the moment might hurt but like through that hurt God is still trying to teach you something. That’s beautiful. Okay, so the last question I have for you is not related really to any of that. What is the question that I asked all of my guests. So the question is, what is your favorite Bible verse or passage, and why.
Okay, so, so being in the Catholic I am I don’t have the exact citation in front of me, but it is when the disciples are have been out fishing all night. And they’ve caught nothing. And Christ goes to them and you tell them to throw their nets on the starboard side. And they throw their nets over and they pull in this gigantic. Catch you know their nets are ripping and then that they’re bursting they can barely get it off the shore, they’re not they’re still foam. And I think for me, multiple reasons why I love that, that’s for traverse is to completely trust in God. It shows their complete trust, you know, Lord, we’ve been doing it our way we’ve been efficient on the site, but we’re the fishermen here, you know we’ve had our next year. On this slide we know what we’re doing, we’re the expert, but there has to be trust in God when he asked us. When he takes us out of our comfort zone or asked us to do something that might seem contrary to what we think. But in our hearts we know that what God is calling us to to have this complete trust in what he may be asking us to do because it is his, his goodness that he shows us. You know in his his, his knowledge of what what can happen and I think also we have this perception that we might not be able to do things in our life because of X, Y and Z or who might be able to do this but the Christ calls us, you know he has this great catch for us, if you will, for each of our lives this specific mission, and will for each of us that he’s calling us to. If we’re just willing to cast our net. On the other side and to really trust him.
Ann Losinski 30:16
that’s beautiful I really, really like that image especially like in relation to the topics that we’ve been discussing and I have been. It’s like a super good reminder.
Yeah, and it was one of those, you know, passages that really struck me when we were going through the adoption process. My husband I we had some things that got delayed during an international adoption, taking much longer than it should add, and more paperwork and forms are being required because of different situations being put in place by the country where we are adopting some people were telling us to pull down and we’re just wasting our time and. But my husband I mean, these boys already are starting. And we can’t walk away from them. And we had prayed. We were constantly doing a 54 day rosary novena to Our Lady. And there are a small little time that we had along the way that both my husband, my husband and I saw and recognized as no we need to keep going like this is God’s will for us. Even when everything goes against us to keep going. And we were at this conference and we were at the point again where everybody was saying just allow and we were wondering okay if it’s ever going to happen. Here we were you know almost three years in the process and no progress with anything, and this reflection was given this scripture verse was proclaimed, and my husband and I both looked at each other and we just knew at that moment, like God was asking to go back one more time, and put our neck down on his side. And just to have that trust and he plans.
Ann Losinski 32:02
That’s beautiful. Well thank you so much for coming on the show today Kathy, if people want to get in touch with you How can they best do that.
The best way probably would be to go to my blog every day and calm down there’s a contact there that you could email me there and then also, I just mentioned, in relation to what we were all talking about and you had asked me what kind of resources that I turned to throughout one losses and I mentioned that it was difficult for me to find the Catholic resource. When we’re experiencing our miscarriages And so through the work of the Holy Spirit. Author Patrick O’Hearn and myself put together a book called the nursery of heaven miscarriage stillbirth infant loss in the lives of the saints, and today’s parents. So, you can also find more about that on my blog every day and, or it’s available through Amazon as well.
Ann Losinski 33:04
Awesome, and I’ll put a link to that in the show notes so that our listeners can access that as well. Yeah, but thank you so much for joining me today. This has been a pleasure.
Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.
Ann Losinski 33:19
And thank you everybody for joining us, and I will see you again in the next episode. God bless you.
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